Just found these new company guidelines lying around in one of the edit suites, and had to post it here…
Company Policy: Effective from January 2006
It is advised you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore will not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor’s note as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare occasions where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three minute time limit in each cubicle. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and a picture will be taken. After the second offence, your picture will be posted on the bulletin board under the Chronic Offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Made me chuckle anyway!